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UTM and UTCA!

I'm saying all the things that I know you'll like

Monday 6 September
Mardy Diary writes: Let's get physical. Physical. I want to get physical. Let's get a-physical. Or not. A lot has been said about the need to be strong and physical to get out of the Conference, but I'm sure everyone was saying that when we dropped down to the fourth division. Of course, you need to compete, so yes, you have to be physical and strong to a point – in any division – to compete. But not just physical, other things too. Luton were physical, York were physical – but neither team really added anything else to that. Sure they'll create chances, just through sheer brute force – but many chances? Not really. Histon, on the other hand, weren't physical. And so we have this strange situation where former League clubs assume that you need to be a really physical, strong side to get out of the Conference, whereas your traditional non-League teams seem to want to try and play football. I'm pretty sure Burton weren't a bunch of super-hard hoofers when they went up, and I doubt whether AFC Wimbledon are either (with an average squad age of 22).

So, let's not make the mistake that every team we play will try to kick lumps out of us. I've seen a fair bit of Conference North football over the past few years, and I've never seen teams try to kick the crap out of each other. I've seen teams try (and fail) to play football. I've seen players who looked young and lightweight, or old and slow. But not teams of hoofers trying to batter each other half to death. I've seen players trying to get in to the Football League, and players who've been in the Football League. We need to be strong, and compete – but no more so than we needed (and failed) to in the past ten years.

Which brings me on to my second point, really – which is that the game is largely the same as in the Football League, but with less ability. As it is down the tiers of the Football League. If a centre-back fails to make a 40-yard precision pass, or a winger fails to beat his man every time, or a shot goes wide, or a midfielder doesn't make a tackle here and there, or a player is a bit old and slow or young and inexperienced, or a decent looking player is a bit injury prone – that's because this is Conference-level football, people. The point at which any of our players become complete, faultless, injury-free players is the point at which they will move to a club higher up the league. That isn't to say that there isn't still a standard that we expect the team and players to reach – of course there is, and that standard should be high for this league.

So yes, we should expect a better performance against Hayes and Histon, because we didn't compete. And we should expect that players will be fit and will try. But we shouldn't expect a winger to play like some Premier starlet. We shouldn't be surprised and groan when a brick-shithouse central defender whacks the ball up field to clear his lines. And Mark Lever can make all the criticism he likes on the radio, but that's exactly what he used to do in the fourth division. Not that I think Mark Lever was rubbish, but just that I remember two things (mainly) about how he played: one – he would put his head where others feared to put their boots, and two – he did that ridiculous side-footed clearance all the time which ended up with the ball spinning directly up in the air about 15 foot. But I still thought he was great. Just flawed. Tillson, of course, he was a footballer. But then he didn't stick his head in dangerous places. And he was great – and got signed by a club further up the league.

So look back at those great teams with a critical eye: Sherwood would rarely venture from his line, Cunnington would only pass sideways, Rees didn't score much and was always trying backheels, Childs would drift in and out of the game, Woods was slow, Alexander was clumsy, Reece and Gilbert were small, Birtles and Futcher were old, Lever would lump the ball forward, Jobling lacked spatial awareness. Cockerill, er. Hmm. Anyway, they were a great team and a great set of players, but not without flaws. That's why they were playing for us in the third/fourth division. But we didn't go on and on about their weaknesses – we celebrated the great things they did. So let's hope that we look back similarly on the current squad, and let's give them the chance to show us what they can do without fear of their frailties being over-examined.

And if we get to the end of the season and they didn't try and they were rubbish, then they'll join a different list of players (mainly filled with names from the last ten years). But let's not assume right now that this will be the case, eh?

As you've probably guessed, there isn't really any news today, which is why I'm wittering on instead. However, the youthers have continued their good start to the season – now seven points from their opening four fixtures. Although, actually – that's a worse points-per-game average than the first team. Booo Fenty – sack that clown Stockdale!

Friday 3 September
Hey up Town fans, Guest Diary here to help you over any trauma you may have suffered because of unintended exposure to Richard Madeley over the last week or so. The blighter clings on to whatever is left of his fame like a cockroach in the fridge and has been turning up in the oddest of media places most unexpectedly – peddling his excuse for a book club. Sometimes with his would-be novelist wife in tow. Please avoid WH Smiths at all costs because it's not a bookshop anyway and I have the strongest feeling that their completely pointless shop interiors will be even worse than normal because there's bound to be life-size cardboard cut-outs of the gruesome twosome involved. You have been warned gentle reader, you have been warned.

Any road, at least this weekend I won't have to put up with Radio Humberside's way-over-the-top gloom about Town and their disparaging remarks about Conference teams they haven't heard of. Because of my enforced house arrest, I've had to listen to their commentaries on all the matches so far. And Messrs Burns, Tondeur and the younger one whose name escapes me had all better listen up. Town have sunk in to the fifth division. Stop comparing what you are watching to earlier halcyon days when Town had good players and played nice football in a respectable division. We all know that you are watching poor-standard football executed by much lesser gods. So stop telling us every 30 seconds how crap it all is, how scrappy, and how poor the quality of play. Just lower the bar of your expectation. Monday was perhaps the nadir – I came away from the radio at full time utterly depressed despite Town winning, only to get a batch of texts from mates at the match telling me it was a lot better than the impression given by Mr Burns and his mate.

Don't get me wrong: it is harder work enjoying what's on offer this season. But we are stuck with it so we need to find ways to go through a game without harking back to the good old days all the time. Connell is a very good player. Peter Bore is becoming a good player, as will Bradley Wood(s). Give Eagle and Gobern a chance, for Christ's sake. So there are things to watch and enjoy. And pray, pray real hard that there's an unattached central midfield player who has a bit of pace or who can pass the ball creatively. Or score; or all three. What a difference signing him would make.

So I won't bother with Humberside tomorrow having already scouted out a hookey free video stream. And I'm off the leash next week, so Tamworth here I come. But one game at a time, as they say – how's Town's injury list looking? Well, Woodses has revealed that Bore and Ridley (can't we sign a full-back called Newton?) trained on Thursday. But we have to wait to see if there's a reaction on Friday. Peter Bore we need you – be a brave heterosexual and play. Connell was a momentary scare after he took a knock on his knee on Monday but it sounds as if he'll be alright. Ademeno is out for ages though. Coulson, no doubt buoyed by his England C call-up, is reported to be jogging again. And the new loan keeper, Richard O'Donnell, whom the manager had scouted several times last season he says, has fitted in a treat. Get tomorrow's game out of the way and the match frequency drops off to weekly so let's hope that gives time to get the injured fit and work on some of the more alarming deficiencies displayed of late.

Before I go I'll give you that link to the ropey Town pitch which Andrew Hubbert emailed in about ages ago. Sorry, Andrew – this week's diarists have just ignored your good work in unearthing several bits of footage of the Town team of the 1930s on Pathé News. Note for the timorous: the video says Arsenal v Barnsley but Town's bit is near the end (ever the unfashionable Grimsby). In fact, if you chuck Grimsby into the site search box there are a few more Town games and other old stuff to do with fishing and that – all well worth half an hour's slack time. Shame they always talked about the goals but rarely bothered to show them in those days. I can't be arsed to Google further but I seem to think 1936 was a very wet year. See yer.

Thursday 2 September
If you ever wondered during the course of last season, as your reserve-team diarist did, exactly what cosmic purpose was being served by the agony of seeing Grimsby Town plummet out of the Football League, the Grimsby Telegraph has found the answer: Olly Lancashire wanted experience of a relegation struggle. "Compared to playing reserve team football where nothing really matters", Mr Lancashire comments, "I was suddenly involved in a relegation battle – going there (Grimsby) I had to scrap." Glad we could be of service, Olly. If ever you want experience of a promotion, or a goodish season with a glimmer of hope of a play-off place, or even another relegation scrap, do let us know and we'll see what we can do.

Fears that the alleged drinking culture of Mike Newell's tenure might resurface were confirmed in the next of the Telegraph's stories, entitled: Debut gives young Tom Corner thirst for more. Tom, presumably overheard at his local AA meeting, reveals that "it's a massive boost to have someone like the gaffer who believes in you." We all believe in you Tom, you can do it.

Like most Grimsby fans, your reserve-team diarist has spent many a night since the end of last season unable to sleep with worry over what fate might befall Adam Proudlock. Apparently, he might be about to join Kidderminster Harriers. A great weight off all our minds. As is the news that Grimsby legend Arnaud Mendy has joined Tranmere.

Should Sir John McDermott or Ciaran Toner ever suffer from nightmares of being harangued from the touchline by a short, bald man demanding that they 'keep it on the deck', they can doubtless offer the necessary consolation to each other, both having joined Harrogate Town.

Not content with offering a story entirely filled with news of a current Grimsby Town player, the Telegraph couldn't resist concluding a quite interesting story about Michael Coulson's England 'C' call up, with the news that he is to be joined in the squad by former "loan striker Ben Wright who recently joined Crawley Town from Hayes & Yeading." If anyone can remember which one he was, do let us know.

Wednesday 1 September
"We only had him for four games as I recall, towards the end of the '07-08 season. He was a bit 'all over the place' in his debut, a 0-3 panning at already-relegated Luton Town, then we played Millwall at home and he was stood at one side of the goal when Bas Savage was through on goal and he just rolled it past him into the gaping hole. He sort of redeemed himself in a decent display against Donny away (who went up that season) so I'd put the first two games down to massive inexperience and I missed his fourth game, an easy 4-1 stroll against Crewe. A mixed bag I guess."

Those are recollections of Richard O'Donnell, Town's new loan goalkeeper, from an Oldham-supporting acquaintance of your original Diary. The player has joined from third division Sheffield Wednesday for 28 days while Kenny Arthur gets better or the other two goalkeepers in the squad, er, get better. That debut spell at Boundary Park doesn't sound too bad considering he was only 19 at the time, does it? Oh, I don't know. He only has to be better than Tommy Forecast, right?

So that's the transfer deadline passed, with only O'Donnell coming in. Town – and indeed most other clubs, as far as the Diary is aware – remain free to sign unattached players, though, and the window for loans opens again in, um, actually, when is that? According to our friends at Vital Grimsby, sooner than you might think, with a "midfield boss" tipped to be arriving sharpish from Scunny, Nottingham Forest or Wednesday again. If you can shed any light on whatever the rules for loans are this week, readers, please drop us an email to the usual address.

Elsewhere in Grimland, the Mariners have released young midfielder Drew Rhoades and cheerful victim of racist stereotyping Adrian Forbes. The departing duo need not be too downhearted about their future career prospects, though, if the experience of another recent leaver is anything to go by. From redundancy at the fifth tier of English football, Nick Hegarty has landed himself a contract in the Premier League. Granted, it's the Scottish Premier League, and he's on a year's deal at St Mirren, but at least he gets to stay in black and white stripes.

An email to the Diary from David Elvidge wonders whether Hegarty is "treading on hallowed ground" with his new transfer. "What I'm really asking," he continues, "is for you to confirm the thought in my ageing rocker's mind that the great Matt Tees was signed from St Mirren? Come to think of it, was that the time when Matt was the idol of our beloved Blundell Park and Helen Mirren was bursting onto the silver screen? Over to Cod Almighty's archivist." Cod Almighty's archivist just wishes the Mariners circa Tees vintage had aged as well as Helen Mirren, David.

Next up, a quick plug for Around the Grounds, a new book which includes a feature by Cod Almighty's very own Pete Green about why it's better to support a rubbish team like Town than a successful one like Chelsea. The book is actually a guide to the 92 clubs of the Football League, but Pete apparently wrote the piece a year ago and the publishers didn't have the heart to chuck it out after Town got relegated. You can preview the book here and if that floats your trawler you can order it here.

Lastly today, could anyone who was listening on Radio Humberside to Saturday's game at Rushden please email the Diary to confirm or deny that George Kerr really reacted to the announcement of second-half stoppage time with the utterance: "Fuck me! Four minutes!" Goodbye and thankyou.

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